So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
