so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
