Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
