i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
