I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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