I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
