he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize