Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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