I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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