There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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