How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
