u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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