Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
