does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
