i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sorry about my life...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
