The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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