I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
