So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
