im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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