So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
