You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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