The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
