Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize