Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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