Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
