The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
