So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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