They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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