he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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