Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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