I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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