R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
