Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
