you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthdayâ€
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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