i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
