I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
