how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i barfeds in our rink
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
