I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
