Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
