i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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