just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
