that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
