Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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