i just had sex bonerless
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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