i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
