I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
