Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Sorry about my life...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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