yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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