I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Even my vagina gasped.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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