god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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