I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ketchup is God's man juice
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
