Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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