textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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