My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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