im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize