2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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