Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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