So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
