my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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