its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
