Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
