I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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